What comes to mind when you think of the word power? Dominance? Control? Authority? Does it conjure up an image of a strong person with aggressive tendencies? A police office? A bodyguard? Does is evoke a feeling of fear or inferiority? All of these common associations with power are legitimate. But did you realize there is another type of power? According to Robert Firestone, PhD in his book The Ethics of Interpersonal Relationships there are two forms of power, negative (which can be covert or overt) and positive. Here is his description of the positive form of power, personal power.
Personal power is based on strength, confidence, and competence that individuals gradually acquire in the course of their development. It is self-assertion, and a natural, healthy striving for love, satisfaction and meaning in one's interpersonal world. This type of power represents a movement toward self-realization and transcendent goals in life; its primary aim is mastery of self, not others. Personal power is more an attitude or state of mind than an attempt to maneuver or control others. It is based on competence, vision, positive personal qualities, and service. When externalized it is likely to be more generous, creative and humane than other forms of power.
Have you ever thought of power in this way? Have you ever considered that YOU have personal power? Yet, we give our power away in many subtle ways. Some common examples are: procrastinating, being jealous of others, fearing confrontation or rejection, sabotaging ourselves, and caring more about what others think about us than what we think and putting others needs ahead of our own. But one sure way to know if we are giving away our personal power is we feel it. Do you feel a sense of being stuck? Do you feel unhappy? Do you feel tired, resentful, frustrated or angry? Do you feel that life is, for the most part, out of your control and you have resigned yourself to the idea that things may never change? This is simply not true.
Realizing you feel this way is the first step on the path of reclaiming your own personal power. So if you do, that is great! Now, you can take the necessary steps to discover ways in which you give away your power, and ways to reclaim it. This is done by learning the mastery of self, not others. No need to fear. Personal power is an inside job, not one that aims to dominate and control others by any means. Wipe away the thought that you are going to have to start 'taking control' of others. That is just not how it is done. So are you ready to find out how you can reclaim your personal power? Are you excited about the thought that you have power, and that there is more in your control than you may now realize. You can start to make changes that are right for you, alleviating you of guilt, shame, jealousy, anger and an overall feeling of powerlessness, and replace those feelings with happiness, confidence, meaning and love.
The 7 Steps I Suggest to Reclaim Your Personal Power Are:
1. Know Yourself- Take time to figure out who you are and what you like. Then accept it as YOU.
2. Take Care of You...First- Stop meeting others needs before your own. If you are feeling resentful of others or overwork, frustrated, angry or just plain tired, these can be signs that you need to step back and start putting yourself on the priority list again.
3. Express Yourself Regularly- Your feelings matter. Stop stuffing them down or walking on eggshells around someone to keep the peace. It's alright to feel the way you feel and to talk about your feelings. A great tool for expressing yourself and to help you on the path to self-discovery is making a habit of writing about your feelings and exploring them in a journal (for a private journaling option: send yourself an email and archive it under 'journal').
4. Forgive Yourself and Others for Past Mistakes- How do you know if you need to forgive? Think about that certain someone who hurt you and see if you experience an emotional response, a pit in your stomach, a residual angry feeling. If so, the answer is YES. Holding grudges only hurts you. It will keep you stuck in the past and prevent you from moving forward in your own life. Realize that this doesn't mean you have to associate with the person that hurt you, but forgiving them and moving on is crucially important to your own healing. Maybe you need to forgive yourself for something you did or said. Don't delay, forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. Beating yourself up over it time and time again doesn't change the past, but it will damage your future. Realize no one is perfect. Cut yourself some slack and forgive.
5. Let Go Of Toxic Relationships- Ask yourself these questions about your friends, family members, neighbors, or co-workers to see if they are 'toxic'. Are they always in a state of drama? Do they drain your energy? Do you feel that they always have a complaint and never accept responsibility for their problems? Do you not want to pick up the phone when they call? These are some signs that they might be toxic. The more you can distance yourself from these people the better.
6. Realize It's Not Your Job to Make Everyone Else Happy- It is your job to take responsibility for your own happiness. It is impossible to control how everyone else chooses to live their lives, so release the idea that you are the one who is responsible for the moods and responses of anyone else. Focus on you, not on others.
7. Allow Others The Freedom To Create Their Own Happiness- If you are taking steps to put yourself on the priority list and make yourself happy, allow others to do the same. Don't get caught in the trap of expecting others to modify their schedules, their activities, or their decisions to make you happy. This may sound harsh, but if you give others the freedom to create their own happiness they will love you for it.
Personal power is about taking care of you and allowing others to take care of themselves. The more you focus on your own feelings, your own goals, find the solutions to your own problems and have an overall idea that your job is your business and others job is their business the happier you will be. A few words of wisdom compliments of Plato, "The man who makes everything that leads to happiness depend on himself, and not on other men, has adopted the very best plan for living happily." Reclaim your personal power and happiness will certainly follow!
Actions Steps:
Take out a piece of paper and answer these questions in depth: How would I feel if I were to reclaim my personal power? What steps can I reasonably take that would help me move in this direction? What questions do I have? How can I find answers to these questions?
April O'Leary is a Certified Life Coach who helps women learn to take better care of themselves. She was an at-home mother for 8 years and understands the struggles at-home and working mothers face and has a passion to help women live the life they have always dreamed of. April lives in Southwest Florida with her husband, 3 children and many pets. For more information visit her website athttp://apriloleary.com or email April at apriloleary@gmail.com.
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